Parents are often told to manage their kids behaviour. But what if the behaviour isn’t the real problem? A child’s behaviour is often the first clue that something is not going well for them. Children want to do well when they can. So when their behaviour suggests things are not great, the first question I like to ask is, “What’s getting in their way? What is the constraint?’
This concepts helps to move away from trying to manage behaviour to an understanding of what is driving behaviour. Be it ADHD, anxiety, a learning difficulty, friendship issues, disappointment, sensitivity to a comment, whatever it is, big or small - something is getting in the way.
The Theory of Constraints
One day I was listening to a couple of savy logisticians talking about the theory of constraints. As they chatted about this fundamentally sensible approach to bottlenecks in logistics, I realised that this is exactly what I do when working with kids and families. Most often the child’s presenting problem is not the real issue getting in their way from doing well. Somewhere in the child’s experience there is a constraint, a bottleneck, that prevents them being their best selves. My job is to help parents and kids work out what this is.
The Theroy or Constraints is a management and problem solving approach developed by Eliyahu M. Goldratt based on one simple idea. That every systerm has a least one bottleneck or constraint that limits it’s abilty to achieved it’s goal. Until this constraint is addressed, improving other parts of the system has little impact on overall perfromance.
Apply the theory of constraints to children - the bottleneck of constraint limits a child’s potential. Until this constraint is addressed, there may be limited change or improvement in the issue of concern.
A Powerful Lens for Understanding Behaviour
In my work with children I naturally use the constraint lens in trying to understand what is behind their behaviour. The constraint lens helps me to notice behaviour, ask what is getting in the way, understand a child’s limits in that moment, and then generate a plan for support or treatment for underlying issues, and help to solve the problem.
The trouble with only looking at the behaviour as the problem is that we can make assumptions that we know what is going on. We can look to the obvious and not take time to calmly listen and seek to understand from the child’s point of view or persepective. A child’s behaviour is a response to a difficulty they may be having.
So, the real question is, ‘What it the child’s behaviour telling us? What difficulty are they having?’
What is the Behaviour Saying?
The constraint lens rephrases behaviour from being the problem, to being a response to a difficulty they are having. It asks, what is the behaviour saying? This phrase grants behaviour to have a voice when the child can’t.
As adults, when our kids are having difficulty, we need to slow down our responses (behavioural reactions) to observe, notice, and be curious. What if, for example a child mouths off at their brother and you don’t know why? Comment, ‘I notice you were cross with your brother. What’s up?’ This approach can help to de-escalate behaviour, seeking to understand what difficulty they are having. For example the kid might say, ‘I was left out of the cricket team today and had no one to play with.’ A problem that had nothing to do with the brother, but they got the brunt of frustration. In this scenario, the problem to be solved, or the contraint or bottleneck, was feeling left out and rejected from his peers. However, if the parents only saw his anger as the problem, he might have had a consequence making him feel worse and more angry. A listening, curious parent, asking ‘What’s up?’ and taking time to chat, can help their child feel heard, understood, and loved.
One Constraint. Multiple Challenges.
One constraint can create multiple challenges.
Consider a child with learning difficulties. Their behaviour might look like homework battles, struggling with school work despite the effort, loss of confidence, fatigue, or avoidance of reading, writing or maths. Trying to solve the problems is a really good goal. However, what is really getting in the child’s way? It’s the learning difficulty. A correct diagnosis would lead to suitable supports and intervention. The result? Unblocking the bottleneck and shifting the constraint (undiagnosed learning difficulty) that was limiting the child’s potential.
Other constraints may look like something else too.
Anxiety can look like avoidance, reassurance seeking, worried what people think, disliking change, perfectionism, school refusal, irritablity, physical complaints or freezing under pressure.
Executive functioning difficulties can look like forgetfulness, disorganisation, impulsivity, difficulty starting and finishing tasks, and inconsistent performance.
Sleep problems can look like emotional volatily, poor attention, reduced learning, low resilience resulting in behavioural melt downs.
Environmental and family issues might show up as bullying, trauma, inconsistent routines, and a mismatch with the child’s needs resulting in behaviour difficulties.
Solving the Constraint
Sometimes behaviours are internalised and more nuanced. The behaviour may be a tummy ache, a few tears, withdrawal, quiet, sullen, moody, or even overly compliant. Notice, be curious, and check in. ‘I noticed you’ve been having difficulty getting up and going to school lately. What’s up?’ If a child refuses to speak about it, keep drilling - not grilling. Drilling seeks to clarify and helps to demonstrate to your child that you are attempting to understand their perspecitve or concern. Drilling is not talking at a child, it is asking a thoughtful question, then listening, helping them feel heard, understood and validated, and feeling like they want to keep talking to solve the problem with you, together.
Asking who, what, where questions are a good way to demonstrate you are listening and additional information is helpful. For example, ‘What’s making it hard for you to go to school? Who’s been giving you a hard time at school?’
Ask what they’re thinking in the midst of the problem. ‘So when you’re sitting at your desk at school, what are you thinking?’ Listen to your child tell you what they are thinking, without judgement or trying to jump in and solve the problem.
Understanding the situation is also helpful. Why are they sometimes okay at school and other times not? Situational agency - a child’s ability to make choices, take action, and influence what happens to them - increases autonomy and self confidence. Some situations don’t allow for this - and they are a child after all so sometimes age does not allow for autonomy in certain situations. Sometimes their situation needs to change. For example, at times it’s important to consider a change of school because the school - situation - is not a good fit for them.
Break down the problem into it’s component parts to identify where the difficulty is. For example, getting ready for school has multiple components - waking up on time, getting out of bed, getting breakfast, brushing teeth, taking a shower, choosing clothes, and getting bag ready. Doing this with the child can help uncover what part of the system is getting in the way? As in, what do they need help with or what do they find annoying or challenging? Sorting out the difficulty in the system, or at school, or anything that is getting in the way, leads to unblocking the bottleneck.
A child communicates their needs, difficulties or problems through their behaviour. Their behaviour is a voice to us adults. A signal of what is going on for them. It tells us there is a constraint limiting them to being their best in that moment, or for longer.
Notice behaviour, observe it, seek to understand through gentle thoughtful questionning and listening, and try where possible to solve the problem or constraint together. Of course, when the constraint is too big or just not obvious, professional support can help.