Parenting a Child’s Brain
One hot afternoon at the end of a peaceful swim at the beach, I was in the changing room, where a chirpy four-year old chatted happily to his mother. He asked her questions and she gently answered. He sang in the shower while she waited patiently. He chatted again as she calmly helped him dress after his shower. As I was thinking how warm and responsive this mother was with her child, another mother and her two children entered the change room. By contrast their mode of interaction was abrupt, dismissive, and whining with banging doors, and defiant snarls. And that wasn't just the children.
Of course, as I write this I am not coming from a place of understanding of what else was going on in the rambunctious boys lives, nor of the mother who was ordering, demeaning and demanding of her sons. I am only reporting on the mood and the feeling that altered in the change room. It felt uncomfortable. Where one parent commanded and demanded, the other parent listened and responded warmly. And their children, no surprises, communicated the same way. So how do parents influence their child's communication style?
Forging new brain pathways
Much of the infant brain is developed after birth. Babies are born with 200 billion brain cells, but they have very few connections between these cells in the frontal lobe (upstairs brain), which controls learning, attention and concentration, planning and problem solving, managing stress, and controlling impulses. The frontal lobe is involved in emotional and social intelligence when working in harmony with the lower (emotional downstairs) part of the brain – the limbic system.
'My baby has 200 billion brain cells without connections?' Your eyes light up as you dial Tutoring On Steroids thinking great academic attainment is ahead of your infant if you only pump those neural connections with the correct academic stimuli. And yes, it's true the first 1000 hours of your child's life – even in utero – are crucial for making neural connections. But what every new-born and developing infant brain needs – beside good nutrition and nappy changes – is nurture.
Attachment style influences brain development
John Bowlby's attachment theory proposes that infants are biologically predisposed to form attachment relationships with parents who are the source of comfort and protection. The way parents engage and interact with their baby forges new brain pathways in their higher (upstairs) brain – frontal lobes. When a parent is warm and responsive to their infant when they are distressed or afraid, the brain will connect in a secure attachment style. If a parent is bullying, unresponsive, or inconsistent in their style of nurturing and responding to their child's needs, the brain structure and chemical systems may result in hyper-vigilance, heightened aggression, or fear reactions.
A child's attachment to their parent or caregiver can be described as secure, insecure – ambivalent, or insecure – avoidant, or disorganised. The secure infant develops an inner picture of the parent as reliable and loving, and as a result they see themselves as worthy of love and able to attain what they need in close relationships. In essence, they develop a healthy social – emotional capacity. This appears to be what our little singer in the shower has. A secure attachment to his mother.
This consistent, available, warm, and responsive parenting style helps to create vital neural connections in the infant brain. These connections enable the infant to grow up to manage stress, form fulfilling relationships, manage anger, be kind and compassionate, have the will and motivation to follow their dreams, experience calm, and be able to give love.
How do parents influence their child's communication style? Certainly teaching and reading stories and providing experiences are important. But key in influencing your child's mode of communication to yourself and others is being responsive in the way you listen, play, cuddle, comfort, and connect with your baby, infant, and child, particularly when they are distressed or misbehaving.
It's unfortunate those 200 billion brain cells do not stay with us for life! In fact throughout the life span neural pathways are strengthened or pruned. By the age of one, 80 billion brain cells are lost, by the teenage years its a further 10 billion, and by the age of 70 about 105 billion in total (if we're lucky!) are lost. Synaptic pruning, like cutting back a bush to make it grow well, is going on in our brains from day one. Infants and children with a secure attachment style to their parents have wired and strengthened those important neural networks for a healthy social –emotional capacity.
Dolby, R. (1996). Overview of attachment theory and consequences for emotional development. In Attachment: Children's emotional development and the link with care and protection issues-the continuing debate. Seminar 15. NSW Child Protection Council.
Sroufe, L.A., Carlson, E.A., Levy. A.K. & Egeland, B. (1999). Implications of attachment theory for developmental psychopathy. Developmental and Psychopathology (11), 1-13.
Sunderland, M. (2016). The Science of Parenting. New York. DK Publishing.